Illusionist David Copperfield Denies Sexual Misconduct Accusations While Being Sawn In Half

The world-famous illusionist, David Copperfield, has denied the all sexual assault accusations while being sawn in half, in his most transparent and hackneyed performance yet. “Getting sawed in half is such a cliché act,” said one disappointed fan outside the MGM Grand Casino, “and there are just too many women that have come forward with independent accusations against him over such a long stretch of time, that I couldn’t suspend my disbelief or buy his performance at all.”

David Copperfield was also recently mentioned in the declassified Jeffrey Epstein documents, which ruined the show for many fans. “Like with any stage magic, if you know the trick then that ruins the illusion” said Joe M. Turner, the President of the International Brotherhood of Magicians, “and too many audience members knew about the accusations, and about his links to a known trafficker and paedophile, to sustain the illusion tonight.” 

At press time, Copperfield insisted that the magician's code forbids him from commenting.