Overcrowding In England’s Prisons: Some Inmates Sentenced To Time In Dingy Flatshare

In a desperate bid to address the chronic overcrowding in England’s prisons, the Ministry of Justice has announced a draconian new measure: sentencing some offenders to live in dingy flatshares. "These rental properties, in the less desirable corners of London, Birmingham, and Manchester, will alleviate pressure on the penal system, while still providing offenders with an environment that closely mirrors traditional incarceration," said a spokesperson for His Majesty's Correctional Services.

Each flat comes with the standard amenities: questionable plumbing, inconsiderate housemates who work from home, and a fridge that hasn’t been cleaned since the Blair era. “Living in a cramped flat with strangers, vying for cupboard space, and refusing to do the dishes will instill the same sense of hopelessness and despair traditionally found in our prison system,” said Justice Minister Shabana Mahmood.

Critics argue that this new measure is a disproportionate punishment. “Some might argue they’re worse than our prisons," a prison reform advocate explained, "given the lack of reliable heating and the fact that they still have to pay rent.”

At press time, an inmate has reportedly been shanked by a flatmate, Jared, who works in recruitment.