P-Diddy Parties: Glad You Didn’t Go But Still Would’ve Been Nice To Get Invited

NEW YORK CITY, USA — You're not saying you would've actually gone to any of P-Diddy's infamous freak-offs, but it still sucks to feel left out. "He didn't even think to include me because he never thinks about how I feel or how his actions affect me," you tell yourself in a spiralling inner monologue. "I streamed I'll Be Missing You hundreds of times and it's like it doesn't mean anything to him. All I get is scorn. Police seized 1000 bottles of baby oil from his property, but what about the bottles of disdain and oily spurn he's drizzled all over me??"

You've already started planning revenge parties that everyone is welcome to, even work friends, anyone except P-Diddy, because he slighted you. "We can meet up in a park and do it potluck style with a coupled of drinks — casual and fun with lots of positive energy. And P-Diddy's not invited, because of the scorn and spurn, and also because the accusations of sexual violence levelled against him will bring the mood down and make people at my fun-off feel uncomfortable."

At press time, you haven't been to bed for hours and your mind is racing from one deranged revenge scheme to the next. What if everyone who didn't get invited launched a class action law-suit together to get snub compensation?