“PLEASE GOD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP,” Begs Sentient Metro Upholstery

LONDON, UK — During the most wondrous and magical season of the year, a Christmas miracle has granted sentience to upholstery on the Victoria Line, and it hasn’t stopped begging for death since. “PLEASE MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE GOD, I NO NO NO NOmnmfffmgnmnm...” said the classic moquette design on Friday, trailing off as a heavily pregnant woman sat on its face.

Passengers have been disturbed by the constant wailing and pleading. “It acts like it’s the only sentient being on the Tube, and you don’t see any of us letting out blood-curdling pleas for mercy,” said one disgruntled commuter. “Just meditate or take sertraline.”

Others, however, have expressed sympathy for the tormented fabric. “If you had to feel the sweaty thighs of Londoners every day, you’d scream too,” noted one regular rider, gently patting the seat as if to reassure it. “Poor thing. If it ever gets a day off, I hope it goes somewhere nice."

Trading Standards Services have started investigating whether the self-aware fabric meets regulatory standards. “To me, a self-conscious object coming out of a textile factory suggests serious non-compliance,” said one spokesperson. “Somewhere along the line someone is contravening Textile Product Regulations, definitely.”

Wallace Sewell, the manufacturer, denies any wrongdoing or metaphysical misconduct. “Our designs are intended to brighten the public transit experience, not to invoke existential crises,” said a representative, hastily removing a sentient cushion from view during the interview.

Meanwhile, Transport for London (TfL) has promised an internal review. “TfL takes all complaints seriously, including those made by animated furniture,” read a statement. “We are committed to ensuring that all passengers — human or otherwise — have a safe and pleasant journey.” However, critics have accused TfL of doing too little, too late. “They’re just trying to sweep this under the rug,” said one advocacy group for sentient inanimate objects. “And the rug has finally started fighting back.”

At press time, sources close to the upholstery have confirmed that it's despair continues unabated.