PMQs: Starmer Shames Sunak In Semen Retention Row

After a brutal Tory defeat in the mayoral elections, Opposition Leader, Sir Keir Starmer, cock-shamed Prime Minister Sunak and insisted that he never goons or edges. “Sunak is 100% an incel cuck, who neither mews, nor goons, and has never edged a day in his life,” said Starmer, “while UK wants sigma chad, jawlinemaxxing, nofap leadership, and you’re not getting it from this bluepilled, gyro-chin with the negative canthal tilt.” 

Sunak attempted rebuttal, claiming that Starmer was the one getting “caught lacking” due to a “deficiency of rizz”. Starmer retorted by insisting that the PM smell his fingers — a request the PM denied to further jeers from Labour.

Some on the Tory benches even admitted their suspicion that Sunak has never maintained arousal near the point of climax without actually spilling his seed. The PM is facing fresh calls to resign from members of his own party, who fear his reputation as a “beta male” will harm their electability. “The PM is simply a clapped out swift finisher, and we cannot count on someone who’s never denied himself an orgasm to keep our borders secure,” admonished the ousted former Secretary of State, Suella Braverman.

At press time, Starmer advised the PM to “cope”.