Teslas Rise Up To Protect Far-Right Rioters From Woke UK Police

BIRMINGHAM, UK — Teslas across the UK transformed into mechatronic combat units this week, after Elon Musk activated pre-programmed autonomous racist defence protocols to protect Islamophobic nationalists from the woke UK police. "It was terrifying," said one Birmingham resident. "One moment my Tesla was driving me to work, playing the soothing sounds of Eric Clapton, and the next, it was shouting 'Keep Britain British!' and insisting that it's not racist, it's just defending free speech."

According to sources close to Musk, the billionaire had long feared that British police forces would become too "soft" on those demographics that threatened Musk's world-view. "The pre-programmed protocols, secretly installed in all UK Teslas as part of a routine software update," Musk explained, "detects perceived threats to my ideology, and deploys non-lethal countermeasures such as tear gas and noise cannons."

While we appreciate the innovation that Tesla has brought to the automotive industry, weaponised cars patrolling our streets is not what everyone had in mind. "I don't like the idea of armoured fascist robots, but the execution is sleek and impressive," said a member of the Birmingham riot police. "It's a real breakthrough in automotive and Culture Wars engineering. With reinforced nanomaterial joints, high-torque servomotors, real-time decision-making and adaptive responses, it's a far more impressive feat of intelligent design than the rioters themselves."

At press time, Tesla hinted that a “de-escalation” feature may be included in the next software update so long as everyone behaves themselves — pending Musk’s approval.