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BRISTOL, UK — While many have become disillusioned with modern dating, there are still some radical romantics out there, like Eloise May, 33, who found love and happiness by drastically adjusting her expectations until literally anyone would do. "For a long time my semi-decent standards made me blind to what I had right in front of me this whole time," she said. "But love always comes along when you least expect it — or expect the least from it, rather."
After years of filtering dates for things like financial stability, communication skills, and shared interests, Eloise finally decided her type is actually anyone who likes anything, and has a face, and isn't in prison or underaged. "The ideal partner would also tick at least some of the necessary metaphysical boxes: solidity, extension, and materiality," she said with a twinkle in her eye as she pictured the man of her dreams.
As fate would have it, Eloise soon stumbled upon years-old messages on her phone from friends trying to set her up with Doug Wagner, her neighbour, who's “super nice” and whose personality has been described as “perfectly bread-like". Eloise realised he was everything she told herself she wanted. “I don’t need a guy who reads books or has thoughts, per se,” she told reporters. “I just need someone who’s around, and preferably available on Sundays.”
Eloise initially had doubts after Wagner took her out on a date to collect his mail at the post office, and claimed his best friend was “probably his 10-year-old cat, Stan." Yet, she found herself, minutes later, wondering if she too could love Stan.
Family members have been cautiously supportive. “We've been a bit worried about Eloise,” noted her sister, Danielle, “but it's actually a comfort to know that she’s finally realising how little a long-term relationship actually requires to get by.”
At press time, reporters found Doug standing motionless in his cavernous and undecorated bedroom.
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