UK Struggles To Stop White Nationalists Infesting Public Spaces

SOUTHPORT, UK — Local authorities across the UK have warned pedestrians not to feed scraps of food to the Islamophobic white nationalists that have been infesting public spaces this week. "We urge residents and park visitors to dispose of waste responsibly," said press release from the Sefton Council, "and report any sightings of Islamophobic white nationalists to the Council, because they spread disease and mites, dirty our public spaces, destroy our flower beds, and left-over food attracts rats."

Local councils have had to hire pest control experts to reclaim public spaces. “These racists are multiplying at an alarming rate,” said one expert. “We’ve tried deterring them with copies of To Kill a Mockingbird. In some areas we've had to set up large projectors to stream the Academy Award-winning film Moonlight on a loop. Now we’re moving to even stronger measures, like using 'Two-Tier Policing' memes to bait them into basket traps."

Some residents have been disappointed with the crackdown. "My little daughter used to get such a thrill from throwing bread crumbs at the rioters," said one local man. However, most have been relieved. "I couldn't take my kids to the playground without someone trying to spout off about 'heritage,'” said concerned parent Janet Rivera. "Now, hopefully, we can enjoy our public spaces without worrying about stepping in bigotry."

At press time, a figure could be seen struggling against the netting of a basket trap.