Would-Be Trump Assassin Unlikely To Make Par After Shanking A Fat Shot Into The Rough

WEST PALM BEACH, USA — Trump's would-be assassin, Ryan Routh, is unlikely to make par at the West Palm Beach gold course when, instead of hitting the former President, he shanked a fat shot into the rough. “Instead of hitting his target, he sliced it bad—way off the mark, not even close," said FBI spokesperson, Rosie Atkinson. "In golf terms, that shot had ‘weekend hacker’ written all over it. If he were serious, he should have taken a lesson or two before attempting something like this.”

As for Trump, he remained unfazed by the incident. “I mean, this guy, total loser. Worst assassin I’ve ever seen. Nobody fails like this guy—he’s a disaster, folks. Believe me. Sad!” Trump later reported that, "they told me there was a threat on the course, okay? But did I stop? No, I didn’t stop. I finished putting—perfectly, by the way—and still finished five under par."

At press time, the former president posted about the incident on Truth Social: "You can’t just show up with a weak drive and no follow-through. Total EMBARRASSMENT! Sad!!" #Loser #NoFollowThrough #GolfTruth"